larissaelaine (larissaelaine) wrote,

Eleven weeks post-transplant: ramblings

Nine/ten weeks.

Clinical visits are so difficult! I had one this past Thursday; it had been a month since I had been to Duke. I went alone this time. I needed to. I hadn't been alone in quite awhile. Lol

The difficulty doesn't come from getting up early or the two hour drive. It's just the whole emotion of it all.

I'm afraid I may wake up one day and it all be a dream. The non- diabetes part anyway. It would have been worth it all though.

This chapter in my life is so weird. Sometimes I can't grip it psychologically. When I say I feel like a completely different person, I feel like it's an understatement. I feel like a COMPLETELY different person; physically, mentally, in my goals and ambitions...

Honestly, I feel like I moved forward and everyone else stayed back.

I'm so truly thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that I can go to. Jesus gets it. He knows. I'm sure it's more real to Him than anyone I know on earth and I am profoundly thankful.

So, I have to say, I drove and wasn't tired; which I was so thankful for!

I don't sleep good the night before clinic visits. I wake up super early. I pray a lot! It isn't because I'm afraid the pancreas won't be working or that the tests results will be bad. God has me there for a reason and I don't want to let Him down. It scares me that I will. Or ya know how you are going through something (not necessarily bad) and you think it's all going to end up one way and then when everything pans out, it's not like that at all? Lol. Maybe I'm afraid of that a little too.

The last time I was there, they were looking at my blood pressure log and asked why there were a couple really high ones. I opted not to tell them it was because I had found out through my endocrinologist that I was the first one there to be hooked up the way I was/am and they failed to tell me!
The doc told me to "take a chill pill." Oh, great! Am I being a bad witness? Like, I wasn't trusting God and I was telling them I was scared. 😒
Ugh! I just want everyone to know Jesus. He is so good and wonderful! As I've said before, wouldn't it be great if God used my 31 years of diabetes and a pancreas transplant to lead people to Him? Wow. Talk about being worth it!

First of all, every time I go to the doc (any doc) my blood pressure is so high. Please understand, if you go somewhere and 90% of the time you go, you get bad news, wouldn't you get a bit nervous too? I've tried to get them to understand this, but they don't. 😒

It's funny because they are so not ever happy with anything that I do. And that's okay. It's fine. I want to be a perfect, over-achiever patient. They reprimanded me for checking my blood sugar too much. Lol! Wow. Okay, I'll do something 5-12 times a day my whole life and then just not. Sure thing!

Let's get real for a minute. Getting "real" is hard sometimes, isn't it?
So, it takes quite a bit to keep me alive on a daily basis. For example, I had a routine eye visit the other day and it took them literally 45 minutes (at least) to update my chart with everything I have (they were missing a few things) and the new transplant meds. 😝

This can be hard on a person mentally. 😾

I wouldn't wish me on anyone. 🙊

Sometimes I think it would have been best not to get married and have kids. They have to put up with a lot because of my sicknesses. They do without a lot and no, I do not make up for it.

I try my best to be healthy so that nothing else comes up, but it seems like no matter how hard I try there's always something else. Like, when I went to the optometrist, she told me that I had a small hemorrhage in the back of my right eye. 😳 I'm truly not worried about it, but still, it's just something else. 😒

The good thing though is the pressure in my eyes were normal. They were high last time and she wanted to make sure they were okay. I've been told the pressure in my eyes were high before. When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed with glaucoma. But then for years after that I never had high pressure again. God's so good to me! Why? I have no idea!

What's He done for you? 😊
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