larissaelaine (larissaelaine) wrote,
larissaelaine
larissaelaine

Wednesday, January 27th, at 10 pm I got a call from Duke offering a pancreas. The donor was in Virginia. I was skeptical at first because the transplant surgeon that I saw when I was being evaluated as a candidate, told me never to take one out of the state. After asking the coordinator, she reassured me it was in, "our backyard-very close."

I was SO excited! I hadn't gotten any calls since December 25th and, as I said before, it was the night of January 27th.

I want you to understand that this isn't just a waiting game when they call. It feels like a full blown production!

I feel better if the following things are in place (some obviously have to be and some don't): plan for the kids, does my mom have a ride down? I think I have to wait like six weeks and then I might be able to go out, but with a face mask, so I like to make sure everyone has had their hair cuts. It's one less thing to think about afterward. Lol!

Also, I like to have the house clean (it's a woman thing), kids have to be packed (does baby girl have all her medicines? She's allergic to everything. She has to have epi pens, special eczema lotions and soap), when and where are they going to be dropped off?

Like I've said before, two wonderful families have volunteered their precious time, but they can't be sick or I won't be able to see my kids after surgery. They obviously have to be available too.

This is just some personal things. This doesn't have anything to do with the pancreas. The stars have to be aligned (for a lack of better words and space), and God Himself has to say it's okay. Really. That's the God I serve, though. He is my Father who knows my heart and knows when the perfect time is, where the perfect pancreas is and when it will impact for His glory the most. So, it's a big deal-this pancreas transplant! For me, anyway... 😉

Any transplant is. In fact, it doesn't matter to God which child is sick. If one of His is sick, He knows. He has a plan!

The Bible (His word) says He has a plan for us whether we are sick or not. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 1:5...)

Duke called again the next morning at around 9 am and then again around 11. It was actually my transplant coordinator this time. Her last day as a pre-transplant coordinator was Friday. I really like her and I hate to see her go, but every transplant coordinator has been nice, so I'm not too worried. I've actually talked to my new one a little bit.

With the second call, she informed me that I should plan on not eating after midnight that night and to be at Duke by 6 am the next morning.

I was so encouraged that this was IT! "You know, Lord!," I kept thinking to myself.

I did everything that needed to be done... just about. Cleaned, did laundry, kids didn't do school that day (they helped me and cleaned their room some), packed for them, dropped them off with the people they'd be staying with (would have to leave at 4 am to be at Duke by 6), sat down at the table to write notes to my mom and cousin (they were driving down the next day)...and...the phone rang.

Whether they are trained to have a certain tone in their voices or I'm just sensitive to people, this coordinator (which is the one I talked to first, the night before) said - with disappointment in her voice - after looking at the pancreas (I'm assuming through an ultrasound), that the Drs deemed it, "too fatty."

I've only really, really, really gotten my hopes up when I actually went to Duke and was 15 mins before going into surgery...and this time.

I've been called several times already, but I was so hoping this would be it! I was ready.

"Hope deferred, maketh the heart sick..." So true! Amen to that!

I asked Chris if I could just be alone. He let me. I cried. A lot! Not only was I disappointed that I wasn't going to be getting a working pancreas, but someone had died. They wanted (per the coordinator) to donate their whole body. Thank you, donor! You're heaven-sent to so many!

And their pancreas couldn't be used. They wanted to help and it sort of made me sad that it couldn't be used. It was their wish...their last wish.

I prayed. I sank. I had jumped out of the boat and looked away from the goal (Jesus). I sank in my tears. About 15 or 20 minutes later, I "looked" and Jesus was reaching out His hand and pulled me up, out of the water; out of the grief and self-pity.

A thought had come to me earlier that day in a moment of anxiety, "I didn't bring you this far to let you sink." Not sure if God told me this or if I'd heard it from someone else, but I held to it. God had not brought me this far in the process just to let go of me and let me sink.

I was the one that lost sight. I'm human and I was so, so disappointed. To the point I am feeling it still today (hope deferred maketh the heart sick-remember?).

After the initial shock and panic was over, I actually looked up the scripture. It's in Proverbs chapter 13. How beautiful the proverb writer says it, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."
When! When! When? the desire cometh (hope, again), it is a tree of life" Wow! Yes! Amen!
When? God's time! Lord willing... In Jesus' name, amen! 😃
Thank you, God, for scripture, Your word!

What is something you are praying for? Can I help you pray for the desire that you are waiting for in God's time?
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